When Stick People Attack!
by The Your Mom Alchemist
Summary: What would happen if instead of Heartless appearing, Stick People did? R&R! Rated for safety! Probably not going to be continued for a while.
1. When Stick People Attack?

**This is a very short retarded crackfic by The Your Mom Alchemist. So, with that, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, Riku wouldn't even own one shirt.**

This story is AU. It is what would happen if instead of heartless attacking the islands, stick people did.

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Once upon a time, there was a person named Sora. Obviously. It's a Kingdom Hearts fanfic. He was simply walking down the beach at Destiny Islands. Then, out of nowhere, he saw a hideous monster. No, it was worse than a monster, it was... A STICK PERSON WITH A CAPE AND THREE HAIRS ON HIS HEAD!!! NOOOOO!!!!

Lightning crashed outside. This was too much. "God, this dream is getting to me." Stupid dreams of stupid stick people always on stupid stormy nights. He yawned. The clock read 3:02 a.m. and he was already wide awake. It's pointless to try and sleep, he thought to himself. With that, Sora got up and sat down at the table in the kitchen.

----

Riku was awake too. Why? Ask him. "Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song, our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G SONG!" he started singing. Then he heard his phone ring. As he picked it up, lightning crashed. "Hello?"

"Hey, Riku, it's Sora. I had to tell you. I had the dream again. Meet me outside in front of the grocery store. Bye." "Umm... Okay...?" And he hung up.

----

Kairi wasn't awake. She had no clue what was happening. So, she won't come into this yet.

----

Sora was waiting impatiently for Riku to show up. Riku came finally and it was pouring rain outside, but not where they were. Right in front of the store, it was sunny and pleasant. Yes, even though it was 3:14 now.

"So, Riku, you decided it was a real emergency this time?" said Sora.

"No, I just didn't want you waiting three weeks until I came, like last time you called me about this." replied RIku, with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

"Well, I had the dream again. The stick people are coming Riku, I know they are."

"You just go along knowing, then. I won't stop you."

"YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL ALL SEE!"

----

10 minutes later, the stick people came for them. The one with the cape came in the lead, and his henchmen were right behind him. Sora screamed, "I TOLD YOU!" as they ran away. Riku also screamed, but he screamed, "I'M SORRY! YOU WERE RIGHT!"

The stick people's leader, named Evil Stick Lord, shot a dark but shiny laser ray thing at them and they were immediately turned into stick people.


	2. The Pancake Dilemma!

**So, this is a continuation. Thanks to my people for reading if anyone does.**

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"Aww, darnit. I told you Riku. Now we're sticky!" said Sora, pouting.

"Yeah, I should have listened!!" Riku replied, and so they both started crying.

----

They walked along, still crying, until they spotted a sign that read, 'Stick Village! Need residents, please come!'

"Hey, Riku! Check it out! Awesome!"

"YEAH! Let's go live there! It sounds fun!"

As they walked into town, they noticed a pancake restaurant. Then, at that very moment, they realized.

They were pretty darn hungry.

----

They entered the restaurant, full of stick people, and sat down at an empty table.

"Can I help you two?" said the waitress, almost too politely.

"Yes, ma'am, we'd both like the pancake plate." Riku said.

"Coming right up, sirs." And she left. Too happily.

----

As Riku and Sora were enjoying their pancake platters, Evil Stick Lord was plotting his revenge. After all this, they were still enjoying themselves??? That was horrible. Totally! So, he decided to try out a continuation of his evil plans to upset Sora and Riku into going emo;; and cutting their wrists and killing themselves so that he could join up with Ansem and conquer the universe.

Yes, it was quite an evil plan, and he wanted it to work! He picked up the syrup and threw it on top of Riku and Sora! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Ahem.

----

Sora realized that something was wrong when he couldn't put down his fork.

"Riku?"

"Yes, Sora?"

"Can you put your fork down?"

"Hold on, let me try..."

He tried indeed, but to no avail! He could not put down his fork. No! The GREAT RIKU! The Great Riku could not put down his not-as-great fork!

"WAITRESSSSSSSS!!!" called Riku, with much panic in his voice.

"Yes, sir? Oh... My... You're covered in syrup!!!" she screamed. It was hideous.

Not really.

"Ma'am, can you please remove our forks from our hands and the money from our wallets?" asked Sora.

"Sure thing!" she did so with great pleasure, and took the forks into the kitchen and put the money (might I add, all of it) into her pocket. Then she never came back.

"Way to go, genius. Now we're broke!" yelled Riku.

"Yeah, true. But, now I realize something." said Sora, with a gaze as though he had seen God in person.

"Like what, retard?"

"I thought I knew what sticky was, earlier, when we first saw the town. Now, I know better. We are now truly sticky." He said this with a voice that would have made anyone think he was the wisest man in all of Stick Town.

"Yeah, well, now we're gonna have to find a way to get that money back."

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Thanks for reading my stupid ranting. Yay reading stupid crackfics!


	3. Dogs!

Chapter 3. Not much happens, but it's indeed cute. Don't you love dogs?

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Sora and Riku worked at the pancake place for a few weeks, and they somehow managed to get the money back. They were really starting to love everything in this skanky little town. They'd go shopping for stick clothes, stick groceries, and stick everything else. They were really having fun, especially that one special day at the park when they finally got truly personal.

"Hey, Riku?" asked Sora, quietly and meekly.

"Yeah, Sora?" Riku wondered. Sora was never quiet!

"I, uh, need to ask you something."

"Umm, sure." Riku wasn't quite sure where this was going. ( 00 EWW YAOI.)

"Do, you, love... uh..." Sora was trailing off.

"NOOO I'M STRAIGHT!!!!!!! AAAAAAGGHHH!!!!!!" Riku never though that Sora might be... GAY!

"No! No, do you love dogs!? That's what I'm asking!"

"Oh, then that's ok. Yes, I do."

Sigh. That was a relief. For both of them.

"Good! I wanted one, Riku. I just wanted to know if you'd mind." exclaimed Sora with great passion.

"Ok, sure! But I'm getting one too!" Riku was happy. He wondered what stick dogs would look like, or even if they exsisted.

----

They were walking walking walking, until they saw the pet store. There were animals of all sizes and colors in this building, and many different shapes and forms.

"Hey, mister, can we get those two puppies over there?" asked Sora. His face shone with the brightness of a thousand suns. Which wasn't hard, by the way. It's Sora we're talking about.

"Yes, of course, boys!" said the cashier, and he got the key to their cage. He opened the cage and the puppies jumped into Sora and Riku's stick arms. Yay bonding!

They ran home with their new-found friends. (Love!) They had lots of fun playing catch, fetch, and tug-o'-war. That is, until Riku brought up a wonderful question one day.

"Which one's mine?"


	4. Kairi?

Well, here's chapter 4. Rated for safety!

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Another new day in Stick Town had come, and Sora was worried about Kairi. She didn't know where either of the boys were, and was probably worried too. Riku was worried, but not as much.

Out of the blue, Sora said, "Hey, Riku, d'you think Kairi's ok?"

"Umm, sure, but weren't we just talking about Monty Python and Naruto being very similar in the fact that they're very retarded and should go immediately to the Friendship House?" asked Riku, questioningly.

"Well, yeah, but Naruto is seriously mentally ill. Monty Python isn't, but the writer is."

"Oh! True, true."

----

All of the sudden, Kairi walked up. We all know that sticky people are quite smaller than real people, so there is a chance that some perverts could spy on women. Yes, and that's exactly what happened.

"Sora, Riku? Are you guys here? Are you guys _anywhere_?" Kairi was sorely worried about them. Where had they run off to?

Riku was so busy staring at Kairi's underwear that he forgot to notice Sora yelling at him, "Shield your eyes, Riku! SHIELD YOUR EYES!!!"

"Huh... Oh... What?" said Riku, as if he were love-drunk.

Evil Stick Lord decided he would try to kill them off with this new-found character in the scene. This time, it would work, he promised himself. He would turn her into... AN EVIL STICK PRINCESS!

But, of course that didn't work.

Kairi was oblivious to the dark but shiny evil laser stick ray thing that was being shot at her, and next thing you know, she was a stick person too.

"Sora! Riku! There you are!" Kairi was ecstatic! She had finally found them!

"Hehe, hello, Kairi," said Riku with a smirk.

"Kairi, you should seriously consider wearing a skirt next time," said Sora, matter-of-factly.

"RIKU!!!!" Kairi exclaimed as she chased Riku all around Stick Town. When she finally caught him, he was out of breath and about to be worse.

Kairi didn't hesitate to beat him up.

----

A few minutes later, after Riku had escaped death and the hospital, they were at their home again, which Riku and Sora had bought right before they bought the dogs.

"YAY a duplex!" shouted Kairi. She and Sora were to live in one half, and Riku in the other.

"No, ya think?" said Riku.

"I don't!" exclaimed Sora.

"Well, now we need a triplex." said Kairi, and the quest for a triplex began.

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Thanks for reading!


	5. Aww a Wedding!

For all my fans, if I have any, chapter 5!!!

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It was a beautiful day, the birds were singing, the animals were scurrying, and the sun was shining. There were a few fluffy whisps of cloud in the sky, but overall, it was beautiful.

"Kairi, I need to ask you something. It's really important," mumbled Sora, our favorite ditzy random little spiky brown-haired hero.

"Sure, what is it?" wondered Kairi.

"Umm, will you, ummm, marry me...?" he asked meekly.

"OMG ROFLOL LMAIOFHAFKLJ!!!!!!!!!! L33T!!!!" Kairi yelled and screamed, and all sorts of other sound effects came out of her mouth that I don't even know how to type.

"Umm, that's a yes..?"

----

The day of the long-awaited wedding had arrived. I mean, who could wait three minutes for a wedding?

The preacher, dressed in fancy stick attire, read out of the Holy Book with great enthusiasm, and soon, he had finished the ceremony.

Almost.

"Now, Sora, you may kiss the bride!"

"YAY!" Sora and Kairi yelled together.

They approached each other's lips with the look in their eyes that they would love each other forever.

Closer.

Closer.

Closer.

----

"OMG WHERE ARE THE DONUTS???" shouted Sora.

"What?! Of all things to not kiss me for!" yelled a hot-headed Kairi, her face about to explode.

Well, someone found some donuts and they were happily wed.

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Yay!


	6. Oh No, Sephiroth!

**OMG ROTFLOL!!! What drabbles do we have today?**

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Well, you might have noted in the last chapter that there was no cake. There wasn't. So, Sora had to go find one. To his surprise...

When he got to the bakery, there was a man ducked behind the counter wearing a chef's hat.

He asked, "Can I help you?"

Sora replied, "Well, yeah, I need a wedding cake."

The man came up from behind the counter.

"OMG SEPHIROTH?!?!?!"

"We got cake! You want cake? What kind? What color!? They're all important. What would you like, dear friend?" he asked, ever too politely, but with a genuine smile upon his dark and evil face.

"Well, just a simple, not-too-expensive wedding cake for my wife and I."

"Your wife... but aren't you _getting_ married?

"No, I forgot the cake."

----

Not minding that it _is _the woman's job to design the wedding, Sora was upset, but he could fix things by...

"SEPHIROTH!!! YOU'RE SLACKING OFF AGAIN?!?!" yelled a voice from the back.

"As a matter of fact, yes, I AM!" yelled Sephy back.

Out of the back room came Cloud, seemingly upset.

"Well, we got a lot of work to do today," he said.

"Yes, but our dear friend Sora has shown up."

"CLOUD AND SEPHIROTH TOGETHER????" yelled Sora.

"Well, yeah. We're actually long-lost cousins," said Cloud.

"Since when?" asked Sora, interested.

At the same time, Sephy and Cloud looked at each other and said, "Yesterday."

----

Sora told Cloud of his quest for cake, in a long and detailed manner.

"So, basically, you need a cake." said Cloud.

"Well, yes," replied Sora.

"Sephiroth?" said Cloud.

"Cloud?"

"You know what it's time for?"

"Yes, I do. Are you ready?" replied Sephy.

"Of course, always."

At that moment, Cloud pulled out a six-in-one spatula combo and Sephiroth pulled out one really, really long one. They were ready to batt- I mean, bake. Or, were they?

"SPATULA FIGHT!!!" they both exclaimed.

Sora needed his cake too badly to deal with these morons any longer. He took the cake out the door without even paying for it.

"Not stealing, borrowing!" he said to himself as he walked out the door and back to the duplex.

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_Once again, thanks!_


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